how to keep your cool
while your toddler freaks out
get your brain out of “emergency mode”
1. Ask yourself: Is this an emergency?
Sounds too simple? Try it.
Here’s why it works: in the moment, you’re stuck in the back/bottom part of your brain whose job is to scan for danger and keep you alive. When it activates, you lose access to the top/front part of your brain where you process information and make decisions. HONESTLY asking yourself, “Is this an emergency?”, then looking around to check MOVES you from survival-brain to rational-brain, where you can make decisions. And if the answer is, “Yes, it’s an emergency” (sometimes it is), take action to keep everyone safe.
2. Find your hands. Then find your feet.
Ask yourself, “Where are my hands?” Open and close them. Press them against your legs. Feel the fabric of your pants. Pick up one foot at a time, then press it against the ground.
Sounds too simple? TRY IT.
Here’s why it works: locating where your extremities are in space draws your attention--once again--away from the survival-oriented part of your brain and down into your body. This is EXTREMELY regulating. Once you access your rational-brain and re-connect to your body, you can decide, “How do I want to handle this moment with my child?”
after the next tantrum
...notice your own experience
How did I feel while that was happening?
Try to name the specific emotions. Look a little deeper than “mad” or “frustrated”. What else?
What impulses came up?
Did I feel like running away? Hiding? Screaming? Even physically dominating? Don’t be scared to name the impulse--it’s ok, you didn’t hurt anyone. It’s just a feeling. Be honest with yourself.
How do I respond to anger / frustration in myself?
Am I allowed to be angry? Or do I press that feeling down and hide it from others? On the other hand, am I often angry? Do I express my frustration in explosive ways?
In an ideal world, how would I want my child to express themselves when they are upset?
Do I believe there are healthy ways to express negative feelings? Or am I (even unconsciously) trying to get rid of negative feelings altogether?What are some practical, physical things my child COULD do when they feel like this?
Is that how I express myself when I’m upset?
now that you‘ve got some in-the-moment tools and understand your internal experience a little better...
Let’s stop those tantrums from happening!
find out how >>>
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